To start sucks

Minecraft servers were constantly being restarted when I played with my siblings growing up. The excitement of starting a new adventure always triumphed the feeling of dilly-dallying in more mature worlds. That or someone sets fire to anothers house, and we were forced to restart as a result of protest by those affected.

There was always something so exciting about fresh starts. Never having felt I got it on past runs, I would rush to start the world over, hoping to find that perfect minecraft waterfall to build my house next to. I never would find it.

I still like to restart Minecraft worlds, especially when playing with my sibling, but this has not followed me into my personal life. New stuff has too many unknowns. Does this new date really like me, or only what I represent and can give? Do I even like them? Am I smart enough to lead this new project I am being assigned to? Too many damn internal questions.

I believe comes from fear of lonlieness. Alone in my choices, my actions, my successes, my failures. Alone in my desires and longing for it to go right. In the minecraft worlds I wasn’t ever alone, and there was alway gauranteed solidarity; in making a farm, a house, killing the ender dragon.

When I live day to day, I am finding, I have immense trouble finding solidarity in whats around me. Most of my life, though, it’s felt more as if the world has trouble finding comfort in me. People aren’t usually who you think they are, food is never as good as you hope it’ll be, the grass isn’t greener most of the time. Until it is - but then it floats away from you eventually. Unknown in quality, unknown in presence.

Now I don’t particularly have a good ending to this. I still don’t know how to restart. How to open myself up to uncertainty (how ironic lol). How to not worry about the future. And that’s ok - most are in a constant battle with trying to harness their thoughts anyways, so at least I am not really alone.